Un-answer-able?

I believe that some things cannot be answered, only to be questioned. Some things are claimed, proclaimed, some are scientifically proven, some are myths, some are meant to be proven, some are just gimmicks, some are just there for the taking, and some are there to make a fortune. Some are just un-answer-able despite numerous attempts trying to solve the puzzle by either manipulating ourselves to believe that there is an answer to the question or trying to find the best possible reason for the happening and hold on to that belief as long as possible. For all we know, the truth might not be out there or maybe, it is really out there?

Time is an essential factor in determining the truth of something. Try asking a kid or even young teens like us about dealing with death? That is not even our time to even think about it, or even seek the truth of after-life/after-death. What about those who are ready for it? Those whose time is up and riped awaiting for the moment of truth, the doubts surrounding his/her entire life?

Allow me to tell a story of a noble lady. A lady who took care of 7 children despite the fact that they are not even from her womb. My mom was one of the 7. Due to the difficulties in business and adversities trying to make ends meet for their 7 children, my grandparents were often out for business. Which explains why all 7 of my aunts and uncles including my mom are so attached to this lady whom were their caretaker even until present. A lady who sacrificed her life for the sake of these 7 children, thus unmarried but her sacrifices were worthwhile as she gained 7 children whom treated her with love and care as though she was their mother.

My mother was especially attached to her because theoretically based on an oral contract(those were the days), my grandparents gave my mom away to her. The main factor would be financial instability (my mom is the 3rd child) and the other minor factor would be how disobedient, naugthy she was and the poor relationship between my grandpa and my mom. So there the lady was joyous and happy that a maidenhead like her could be gifted a child. However, oral contracts were so popular to be true those days and given the fact that no parent will give up on their flesh and blood, the contract did not BIND, or rather, my grandparents rescinded it. Why? Simple. What happens if a liability(disobedient, naughty, poor relationship) turns out to be an asset(prettiest and most decent among 4 daughters which attracts guys from a RICH family)? You tell me.

So can any reasonable person behold the lady's pain? She was so hopeful in bringing up this child and for all she knows, its all lies and false hope but what can she do? Does voicing up aid her pain? Regardless, mom says it's okay. What matter most is the heart, the thought and actions to care for her. As mom's offsprings, we were brought up by her to love, respect and learn from this lady. This lady is supposedly our grandma, a role model to everyone. Her sacrifices are sometimes taken for granted but not my mom, not us.

Recently she got really ill. At the age of 80 plus she's still a lady with a strong will although parts of her body are failing her. Hence I had more frequent visits to talk to her, see her, listen to her and eat just about every hour! Just to make the old lady happy when she sees us eat. Despite all these, she's still sad and I was always there listening to her. I am very helpless, I don't know what to say or answer when she just struck me with some questions.

"Ken, what do you normally do at home when u guys are not playing sports or when u r free? Watch Tv? Haihz. I barely watch Tv now because of my poor vision. I can't even read the newspaper. I can only sit and listen to some classic golden oldies song. It's boring sitting on the sofa everyday."

"Ken, my legs are failing me. They are always numb and I can't even walk properly without the help of maid or u guys. I'm afraid that I will be paralysed. Will I? Then I would have caused alot of problems to everyone."

(after a telephone conversation) "Huh? A and B are gone already(dead/deceased)? So fast? They were in the old folks home for 4 years already. I thought they were quite healthy. One by one they are going to the grave"

"Ken, why don't u go eat? I don't feel like eating. I have no appetite and no more teeth to even bite. Go eat. I'm happy when u all eat."

"Ken, who is that ...? Erm, that's..?Ah pei's mom, what's her name again? Haihz, even my memory is failing me."

"Ken, I'm feeling weaker by the day. Is my time up ready? Is it time?"

I was speechless. It's un-answer-able. All I could answer was " You are very healthy, don't think of unnecessary things." What else am I supposed to say? How should I answer? My only expression to her was only smiling and asking her other questions trying to change the topic. She would just stone and look at me stationarily before starting an entire different conversation.

We are all prepared for the worst. Those whom are not in her shoes will never understand what she'll bound to be experiencing. No one will really feel for her evnthough they will try to talk to her as much as possible trying to persuade her like a child and then? Buy her the things that she likes or her favourite singer's album? And then? And then what? These are all physical materials. She may appear happy with the company of a band of kids but when she's all alone, the fact will slowly creep into her thoughts. To say that she's prepared for death is mere puffery. It's something all of us fear when we are so close to it. We all can start preparing to face death now? By then we will be well prepared? When we are so close to it, the un-answer-able questions will come into play, again. What will happen? How? Where? When? Who?

Although I can put myself in her shoes, I can never find out the answers. I do not know what to expect, neither does she. All I can do is to enjoy the last bits and pieces of memories with her so that she will remain part of my memory. Her teachings, her blessings and her words of wisdom will always be with me whereever I go, just like Ah Mah(dad's mom). Although Ah Mah is no longer here, it's been 3 years, she is still fresh in my memory and I really really missed her. She brought me up since the day I was born. I will be prepared no matter what happens. Just like Ah Mah, the lady will be an inspiration for me as I look up to them. I will cherish the moments with her now as much as I can and when she's up there with Ah Mah, she'll have a place in my heart too.


GOD BLESS

Easier to run by myself?

What do i do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my insticts blindly?
Or do I follow the norms boldly?

Do I hide my pride from these negativity?
Do I lose myself in these bad dreams?
And give in to sadly sorrow thoughts that are maddening?
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I stand up and do something about it?
DO I make the right moves that I'm lost within?
Or DO I find myself within my wrong moves?

I can’t hold on watching everything spin,
With thoughts of failure sinking in,
I just end up getting hurt again,
By myself ?

So would it be easier to run?
Replacing this pain with something numb?
Would it be so much easier to leave?
Than face all this pain here all alone,
By myself ?

Running only gets me further away from myself,
Replacing doesn't stop the rot,
Doesn't put the bad haunting dreams to a halt,
Leaving only places my pride in deeper negativity.

So If I could change I would,
Take back the pain I would,
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would,
If I could stand up and take the blame I would,
If I could take all the shame I would,
Turn it into lessons not to be forgotten I would,
Take time to realise I would again,
Retrace one wrong choice that I made I would,
Turn it into morals to be remembered,
By Myself !

Happy Belated 20th!

Due to my hectic schedules of assignments, participation in clubs and societies, I finally found some time to reflect on 7th March 2009, or the few days around it.



















Airmaster Bodykit & Tinting = RM 1600
A big thank you to all my family members including myself! ( cuz i paid almost half of the amount !! =.= )





This Liverpool European Away Jersey( although they were knocked out by Chelsea yday ) was from my friends! Mostly due to MY VAST SOCIAL NETWORK! =p So thanks everybody and thank myself for making the initiative to ask them to buy for me! >.< Special thanks to AJ for attempting to collect the cash cuz i am well aware of the scope of my large social network!! =P


To one of the first ones who handed me this, thank you! Notice how big this shirt is?? FYI, I'm getting slimmer by the day! =P





And LAST BUT NOT LEAST!! From my beloved, my Liverpool towel!! The one that I'm using now has been used since 2002 till now! This is something new! Thanks jas! =)

We Lost =(

Once an opportunity is presented, it will be there for everyone! If you missed it, sorry it will not present itself again in such a short time. Some athletes worked so hard with years of sufferings and pain-enduring trainings just for that ONE event which barely lasts a minute! Nevertheless, things don't always go our way but is it wrong to condemn ourselves if we do not reach out for that presented opportunity? Will that be our own fault?

Some people waste a lifetime waiting for one opportunity while some waste their presented chances time and time again! So how do we justify the fairness of this given opportunities? Is it within our grasp? Can we create our chances through hard work? Or will it eventually appear? Opportunities are just bonuses meant to be taken, some might agree but the fact of the matter is, do we deserve our chances? Does an athlete deserves to lose given the amount of blood, sweat and tears he/she sacrificed? Not in a year but many years.

If you had one shot, one opportunity, will you capture it or let it slip away? I felt that I was too ignorant that it slipped away a little , not forgetting the fact that I did not capture it solidly given the highest possibility of doing so! Which explains the lost. It's no point pointing fingers at officials because what's done, is done. It's over and there's nothing we can do to alter the results, nothing to do to justify man-made errors. "To err is human", that's the only positive fact that protects the mistakes conceded by humans. Come to think of it, who doesn't have their own "err-moments"? My question is, if your "err-time" happens to ruin the opportunity of others, where do we seek justice?

Political wars and wars of any kind portrays the exact example. Think of a single mistake by a party that would cost the opportunities of the other party. Think of a simple miscommunication that would cost destruction to another party. Think of a misfired action which would cost millions of life.
Now, again, where do we seek justice? So, mistakes are just a plain excuse to ruin the hopes of others?

Are mistakes accidental, coincidental or avoidable? In this case, I would say avoidable. Professionals avoid mistakes, not covering up mistakes another time to make up to the mistakes made previously. Why call themselves professionals if mistakes are so much that it seems inevitable?

My thoughts tell me that these people are unforgivable. Period.

Liverpool 4 vs Real Madrid 0 (agg 5-0)

BRAVO!! =)

= D

I am so HAPPY!! =D

FINALLY!!! FINALLY!! After a year of downfall, I finally got what I wanted or deserve for my hardwork? Maybe so, maybe not but I know myself better =)

Today is not only my day. It will be everyone's day! It made my mom's day, all my family member's day especially my dad's day whom is always waiting for this day to finally arrive after one year! All the disappointments for the past one year vanquished with this one small little achievement in my life! Everyone is happy! My parents are so hyped up! That was the only thing they were hoping for and that's the only thing i couldn't fulfill the past one year!

I can listen to their change of tone from stressed up-exhausted-tired mundane/menial routine to JOY the moment I informed them about it.

What dad said was true, mistakes are the disguise of success. I will continue the legacy...

Without further delay, I would like to THANK

• My DARLING (Caufield =/) for her endless support and cheering to keep me going, keep me hanging on! AND, the lucky lucky pen she gave to me! =D How nice would it be if she's around? I wanna just hug her like how i hug my bolster! =(
• My family
• The friends whom are part of me =)
  

To some, this is no biggie but to someone who has finally managed to achieve it after a duration of one year, IT IS SOMETHING BIG! A year of tears, frustration, anger, sadness, tension that has to be forgotten!

This is only the beginning! I treat this as a catalyst for further improvements! I will be even inspired to enjoy the course of uni life whilst achieving things that I always dreamt of achieving!

=.=

NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER drink oat and milk together because you will experience this thing so common in your life known as "lau sai" aka diarrhoea !

Everyone might or I should say will ask what is wrong with me and this OAT thingy! The fact is, I have this little thing that I shouldn't be having at this age called "HIGH CHOLESTEROL" and all credits are given to my parents or rather my dad!

So, what is so great about this thing called OAT? I have no idea or what so ever! All I know is that my checkup is nearing and all I need to do to lower the cholesterol is to eat/drink OAT!

OAT can be made/cooked in different ways and you wouldn't wanna know MY version of OAT!

Needless to say, that's the one and only non medicinal method to reduce it! At the age of 20, all my peers are showing their sympathy towards me and they feel me! LOL. Everyone is enjoying life, enjoying the delicacies of whatever-you-name-it fusion and I on the other hand, have to control my intakes!

No fried food! No oily food! To most, they don't even care! However, I am health conscious! >.< To put it in other words, I am forced to!! Hence =.="

OAT OAT OAT!!!