Don't wake me up when September ends?

Reality is harsh. Life is harsh. Work is harsh. People are sometimes harsher than we think they are. Everything is harsh. What's not? How about death? Isn't death harsher than all combined?

We may screw up at work, get bombarded. So what? We wake up the next morning and we start fresh. Feeling down and under? Get well soon and start fresh? Just broke up or going through a divorce? You can still start a fresh relationship / marriage. Kids that falls down face flat while running? Get up and continue running. But death? How do we get up from it? Start fresh?

People who know me well will portray me as someone who is happy, loves the attention, extrovert, the yolo guy, but that's just the surface me. People who really know me deep enough will know my doubts, thoughts, uncertainties and insecurities. People who know me so deep will know that despite being an extrovert on the surface, i'm an introvert on the inside, i have alot of things going through my mind, my values and beliefs that are always being challenged, my life theories along this journey. In fact, I am a person who wants to seek for answers. I'm always curious, I always believe the truth is somewhere out there but my biggest doubt and question is to find the answer to our lives first, and then after. It's something that cannot be answered until we are there, so much so I can fast forward myself and put myself into my grandma's shoes, my dad's shoes and trying so hard to feel them.

How does it feel like being married? How does it feel like being a father? How does it feel like when I turn 30? 40? 50? 60? Do I get to live that long? For what? Aren't we just fulfilling and condoning to societal norms? Our parents work their ass off to provide a better future for their offspring and now it's our turn to do the same? And the cycle continues. I'm constantly trying to look at the bigger picture of life before zooming into the details like yolo experiences. 50 or 60 years down the road, who am I? Just a man waiting for his time. People around me will leave one by one. My cycle of people will be gone. My generation will be replaced. No one will know me except my own future generation aka my kids, grand kids. And then what? After my kids' cycle is up, where do I stand? Just vanished. Unless I make it into the history books that is. Just using myself as an example, I was really close to my grandma, I will tell stories (if i remember) of her to my kids but my kids will not tell stories of her to their kids because they are personally not connected, they are only connected by the stories that I tell them. There you have it, a perfect example of a lost generation. After I'm gone, no one will know who my grandma is, or who my grandma's siblings and friends were. Everything will be vanished. It will all just be memories, and memories to those whom are connected...

To put things into perspective, I can picture myself in my grandma's shoes 50 years from now. I would have imagined that I have grandchildren and i would have passed on hundreds and hundreds of lifelong quotes and experiences to them which they wouldn't even bother as they would be more interested in some kinda transparent IPAD. By that time, I would have nothing to worry as I have a certain form of achievement, aka my family. I can go peacefully. OR, I have no kids / grandchildren, waiting to die alone. OR, my kids are like rotten apples, they dont give a shit about me, it's as good as waiting to die alone...

I have always pictured myself in my dad's shoes simply because he is the most personal to me. If anything were to happen to me at that age, things would have been pretty complicated as things will be neither here nor there. Children still not working, can't see them graduate, get married and have kids, I can't grow old with my wife. Too many things to leave behind, I would have not been ready, who does anyway?

Just yesterday, a relative's son passed away. He was only 9. He was a brave boy, he battled brain tumor for many years. I can totally put myself in his shoes. His fears. My fears. Exactly the same. He has not accomplish a lot, it's too soon. Same for my case. What have I accomplished? Nothing. Yes, I have graduated, got a job. So what? I'm just another slave in this so called societal hierarchy. My favourite quote " I was not born to pay bills and die ", sounds legit, but the fact of the matter is, it's happening. I'm in this shit. I'm working to pay my bills. The harsh reality of life.

How am I going to prepare myself to face the adversities of life and death? I'm so not ready for anything.

How I wish just like in the movie Chappie and Transcendence, we can preserve our consciousness. Then our body dies naturally as per our life cycle but our consciousness (soul?) will remain. Just a random thought...

#life

Kids,

It saddens me to see your grandmum working her socks off. Sometimes I wonder where does the job passion and loyalty came from. Like how? Where?

So much of experiences has enlightened me more and more about #life

-Past Job experiences
-Current Job experiences
-Recent Vietnam Trip
-Your uncle's very recent Brisbane graduation
-Life@Brissy

Just too much to tell but I will get the time to relay my personal experiences and feelings on the impacts they had on me.

As for now, there's no nonsense of getting to work at 10 and going off at 5. Everyday I'm getting to bed before 1, waking up before 8, leaving office on time - NOT. Eat, Sleep, Work, Repeat.

I just hope everyday is a smooth day for me. That's all I want. I don't even care if I am happy anymore. I just need to get out of this numbness. I think I just can't work under pressure and under someone. I need to do my own thing. I just need a light, an answer. If only I am a risk taker, things would have been really different...