LIFE

is a box of chocolate some say. We will never know what we will get until we actually unwrap it and taste it.

Here I am procrastinating, when I have an exam due soon and I'm not in the mood to study. Hello? The last time I studied for an exam was 3-4 years ago. How time flies...

I am turning 26 in a few months time, freaking 26! I'm still in my quarter life crisis to be honest. This is not a good year for many reasons esp Malaysia. People are disappearing, some got robbed, killed, chopped into pieces, hit and run, petrol price hike and soon the GST implementation.

Looking backwards I still see kids being naughty, playing with the Ipad (i dont even have one), kids maturing, kids to adolescence and adolescence to being a men/women, my youngest bro going into college and my two other brothers graduating soon. I dont know what to feel. Happy for them? Or sad for myself because these events has already passed myself and i must remind myself that i'm not 18 or 22 anymore. Sometimes I wished time could freeze at certain moments. Things just happened in a blink of an eye. A friend whom I felt like we just met yesterday became a 5 year friendship, my high school friends turned into a freaking 12 years friendship. I asked myself this question : really? 12 years of friendship? Really? So what did we accomplish in that 12 years? First 6 years of high school and then subsequently an annual reunion for the past 6 years? That's about it? That's the kinda friendship im gonna get for the rest of my life unless we initiate some #yolo stuff?

Looking forward, I see people around me getting married, some having babies. I see my older cousins who were dating (feels like yesterday) and now they are preparing for their children's primary / high school. #LIFE. I look at these people and it really hits me in the head in terms of life insecurities. So many what ifs in my head. I'm sure these people that are years ahead of me felt the same way when they were at my stage now. So insecure that I see people around me change. Either they embrace it and just bombard the obstacles as it comes, or they choose to withdraw, be themselves, not succumbed to society pressure.

At present, I'm looking at myself and the people around me. Some people are striving very hard to make ends meet, some are really striving for passion, some are striving for money, a better future. Some are making big bucks through selling/renting properties, some are selling insurance, some are doing direct sales, some are just chilling and then there's me. Neither here nor there. I'm sure there are people feeling the same way as me. I guess that's the crisis we are facing. After 3 years of working, I start to question the direction of my life for the next 5 years (short term) and the next 10 years (long term). Is this what I wanna do for the next 5 years? Am I just gonna end up exactly like you (my boss) the next 5 years?

And when we have these doubts in ourselves, our direct selling friends will be eyeing to take a step into our lives. They are brainwashed to be so positive about life, about their job and their money that they will do whatever it takes to get you to join them. I have so many friends who are in this line, and to be honest I was in and out of these, causing friendship casualties. Yes, they are very positive people (thick face - trained to withstand countless rejections), you feel like they are very nice people. In actual fact, are they really nice people? Or they come with an intention? You be the judge yourself. However I really salute their never say die attitude and their vision to achieve financial freedom and reciprocal income. I am jealous to see them earning these kind of money, I believe others will see the same and eventually will be triggered to join them because they hate their current job, not enough money, want to gain financial freedom,etc,etc. The way I look at it, its a way out for people. It's an opportunity.

Probably one of the reason why I can't succeed in this industry is because I dont see this as a way out, and it might not be my last resort yet. Another reason is I do not want to put myself and my friendships at jeopardy, I am an active person when it comes to friendships/meeting new people but when you want me to do things with an intention and knowing that I dont feel good about it, I will naturally be a very passive person. Probably I didnt get brainwashed to be thick face? Or maybe it's the nature of this business. Look at Alibaba. That's not direct selling also that poor guy got rejected in the past but look at him now. He found his opportunity, he found his way out, he found his passion (not sure bout that), but have I found mine?

What is my way out? Not direct selling, tempting, easier said than done, plus I dont have the mentality to do this kinda thing. Conventional business? How innovative am I? Need money to start something also right? Or just like the majority of other people : work for the rest of our lives?

If that is true, is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? Is this industry the one? How about money? People around me are getting money without effort (property,insurance,direct sales) but i have to wait every month just to get money and to settle my debts. How about the future? I will incur more debts : housing debts, car debts, family expenses. How am I going to go about it? I realised that money plays a very important role in determining our lives. I've seen people who changed because of money and material but I have also seen rich people who are humble. So how do I relate success to money? Do I define success to the amount of money we make?

When it comes to money and success in life, i think the best teacher that i will ever have in my life will be my mother. Whatever advice that I chose to block off in the past seems to be very true now. The advices are still the same (mothers and aunties like to nag and repeat the same things over and over), and I truly understand the meaning behind the advices. Now when I'm out to work and earning a living I am genuinely able to put myself in their shoes and then the advices made sense.

I remembered when I first got my driving license, I didn't want to drive the old car that was "assigned" to me. It was a coupe, a 2-door sports car which was bought I think more than 10 years ago for the kids to drive in the future. (That was the intention and I'm proud to say that this red car was the first car, for the 4 of us). I remembered clearly that I wasn't too happy back then when I was 18/19 and I had to drive this car when most of my friends in Taylors (yeah i've said it, Taylors) were driving better cars than me. I was upset until I got myself a new car in the year 2008 (no choice, lack of cars). However throughout that few years, this piece of advice came from my mom once but it was only until now that it made sense and it finally hit me in the head. She told me this : "A car is to take you from destination A to destination B, that's it".

Fast forward, 7 years later aka present time, I still face the same issue : my friends are driving better cars than I do. I even had a friend who told me to drive his mother's Honda during his wedding day instead of my own Proton. I dont blame him cuz its his big day and he wants everything to be perfect, plus he is not discriminating me either so I'm not affected. With the working exposure, I've also seen many things in life and I realised that people associate the cars they drive to their success. However, there's the thing : the car belongs to the bank until we pay off the loan. Hah! Impressions of success CAN be created. Look at insurance agents, direct selling ppl or property agents. They have to maintain their lifestyles of the rich and famous. They are trying to show that success can be replicated just like them. They have to show that they are doing well, they have to work hard, they have to be desperate to get sales in order to pay their car loans. Would you wanna join a person who drives an old car? You wouldnt even think about it! This is life.  It's nice to see, but I've seen it to believe it so I wont fall for it. Nevertheless, I've also seen business owners who drives a Proton Saga Generation 1, dressed only in a singlet, short pants and slippers to the Bank, depositing RM50k into their accounts everyday. Which one would you wanna be? Which one would I be?

From this incident, I agree that a car is a reflection of your success, but I'm a firm believer that a car that you OWN is a reflection of your success. Yes, I may not drive a nicer car than you, but my car is free from encumbrances and i'm not in debt. However, this is ambiguous depending on the nature of your job. Dont tell me you are the CEO of a company and your drive a Proton? That's impossible. So it really depends on the environment we are in. For now, I'm happy with what I have, I have a car that belongs to me to take me from destination A to destination B.

Based on the scenario I've also learnt another thing : Do we wanna "look" successful and rich? Or do we want to "be" successful and rich?. I shouldn't dress as if I'm rich because I'm not. Presentable will do. (Mom's advice) Anyway my wardrobe is only filled with Liverpool jerseys, ppl can only tell I'm a fan, they cant tell my success and money LOL. As much as I'm not rich and successful, I am able to deceive ppl that I am. Ppl think that I am some rich, spoilt brat BUT I'm not. I think it's probably the way I carry myself. Its just like the scenario where some ppl can pull off elegance with ordinary garments and some ppl look cheap with expensive clothes. I am not rich but I can pull it off. LOL. This is bad. I'd rather be rich on the inside (personality + pocket) than rich outside (the way I dress and the car that I drive, debt-ridden)

For now, I'm trying to be debt free and lead a life where I have ownership of things, whether it is in regards to my life or my career. Be contented. Ask yourself this question everytime you want to buy something : Do you need it? (Mom's best advice). DO I NEED THOSE LIVERPOOL JERSEYS??? Yes, but I can wait to purchase when it is on sale ;) If I were to ask myself this exact question 1 year back I would have answered differently and I would have owned all the Liverpool jerseys even before the season starts.

Sidetrack a bit : what suddenly triggered me to write this besides procrastination was a conversation between myself and one of the staff in a mamak stall. We knew each other (including my brothers) for a long time. Little did I know, he came to Malaysia from India for 10 years ago. That shows how long I've known him! FREAKIN 10 YEARS! Talking about life, he has to work in Malaysia for 1.5 to 2 years and then only he gets a 4 month break. His son is already 5 years old. He was unfortunate because he is not from a rich family, he dont even have money to study, what more being an engineer, doctor or lawyer (India's definition of a successful occupation). I feel very blessed in comparison to him, and yet I'm still complaining about #life. "Always compare yourself with the less fortunate" Another classic quote from mom. "If you compare with the rich, you will always need to keep up with the Joneses"

Suddenly I realised how my character/personality was defined. Talk about influence!

And Kids,
That is how I got these golden advices from your grandma.

Them CNY?

Hey dad,

I am so sleepy right now, so physically and mentally drained out by work but suddenly (really sudden), I thought of you while scrolling my picture albums in FB.

I looked back at those few CNYs where we still had you. I wished the picture / camera quality was way better back then, at least I wouldn't be staring at blur pics right now.

Now I know why people invest in expensive cameras : it's to preserve the best memories. The feelings, emotions and memories are worth more than the camera itself. Now I wished we had better pictures taken. Although we have alot of pictures with you and of you, the best pic / motion picture that I have of you is in my head. Even after 3 years, when I close my eyes, I can still picture the same old picture in my head. I hope it remains eternally.

I'm sorry that I am so tied up with work that I might have forgotten about you. How could I? I know you are always there with me. And as I'm writing this right now, I'm feeling the goosebumps. I know you are watching over us.

< 3

 Oh! Dee, BTW, Liverpool are close to winning the Premier League!! =D I hope we still honor our promises, at least it's your promise to me. I hope my bad skin condition can take ink. YNWA!

JTF96

Justice for the 96,
Who went for a football match and never returned.
This year marks the 25th anniversary of the Hillsborough Incident
Justice prevailed last year.
96 Angels up there,
YNWA.
We need you
We need your blessings
To ensure that
This
Is
Our
Year.
This year also marks the 25th year without being the champions.
The time has come.
4 more cup finals.

Say Something? Write Something?

Don't say something for the sake of saying. The same goes to writing. Don't write for the sake of a blog update. Write when you feel like writing, write what you feel and not write because you are obliged to do it. Writing should be free and easy like the wind, swirl where ever we want and not being put in a situation where we are forced to crack our damn brains just to produce a writing. Maybe I look at things differently because I'm writing for myself to read, but some are writing for others to read. To be fair to others I cant judge the contents / message that others are trying to convey.

Looking back at the my writings in the past, writing a blog is like writing a diary but somehow now I feel different about writing. Writing is suppose to be meaningful, like giving a life to words, and not telling the world what I ate for dinner LOL. That shows how far I have come in terms of maturity, I guess? Probably I might still have a wee bit of contradiction in me that will always be me, can't really change the nature of a person. So the next time if I ever write what I ate last night, I hope by re-reading this post it will shed some light to me that as far as I've moved forward in my life, I "can" still fall backwards.

I think I'm really contradicting myself.

You see the key word is "CAN". I can choose to or choose not to. It's a choice. It's an option.

Happy 55th Birthday!

Hey Dad,

Happy Birthday! And I foolishly thought that it is tomorrow!

I had a few fragments of images in my head the other day and I would like to write down every single bit of our memories, as specific and detailed as possible so that one day when I re-read this it will give me the same old warmth feeling that I get. Probably, your future grandchildren might learn more bout you through my writings. I only have bits and pieces of grandpa through you and ur siblings' words about him since I have not met him before. So I hope I can document / pen down as much memories as possible so that I will always remember the feeling.

I remembered how I always use the school public phone to call home to ask you to bring the books / notes / etc that I left at home!

I remembered how frustrated you were cuz its either you are going out to work or you just woke up. Despite the mumblings and grumblings, you will still meet me at the side gate of my primary school to pass it to me. High school was tougher as you had to walk into the compound during our assembly, looked for me and often calling me "Brandon" instead of my chinese name. Hey dad you gave me that name you know? Why are you even more embarrassed than your son just because his name sounds like a girl's name? LOL

I remembered you like to converse with me in hakka whenever my ex / her family was around. Even she found it funnily weird why you would converse with me in hakka. LOL. As if other ppl dont understand our language. Haha. It's alright because I'm like that too, switching the dialect whenever and however I like =)

I remembered how mom and I had to U-turn home so that you can fetch us to the lrt station to work.

I still remember the day before your tournament / incident. It was in the afternoon, I walked into your room to use the washroom, you were lying on the bed, somewhat blank staring? I did not speak to you if not mistaken, and I utterly regret that, because GOD knows that might be the last words you had for me. Right now, I can't even remember what was your last spoken words to me. =/

I still remember the day after. The image is still vivid in my mind... You were half naked, still in your favourite red golf pants, lying on the hospital bed. I remembered the feeling of hugging you. I remembered the exact feeling when I was removing your gold necklace. I remembered everything. Crystal clear.

However, on this very special day, I would like to wish you Happy Birthday! I know you are somewhere celebrating it, prolly having a toast with your buddies.

I remembered giving you a Liverpool jersey for one of your birthdays. If not mistaken it was prolly your 50th or 51st Birthday. On the back of the jersey, the name was SAM'S ? and the number was definitely No.38.

Suddenly I felt a memory-rush LOL, so many things popping up in my head...

I remembered I gave you a golf glove for one of your bdays

I remembered I bought you a golf shirt on two separate bday occasions? or was it father's day?

I remembered I bought you the sleeves for golfing. You loved it but I forgot if we went back to change the color from white to black or black to white? Those sleeves are still in your drawer. We know you like to be the Stylo Milo in golf so I bought those sleeves for you...

Speaking of golf, I'm still so noob in it. I promised to win a tournament for you someday but seems like its fading away.

Another resolution for 2014 : Must pick up golf !

Resolutions?

Turning a quarter of a centurion this year, it feels funny to acknowledge the fact that I'm growing old. Hence, just a few simple reminders to myself :

1) HEALTH IS WEALTH
- so I really gotta consider if this industry is fit for me. Unless I change the way I work.

2) SAVE FOR THE RAINY DAYS
- considering I don't really have excess cash to save up on. I foresee lots of rainy days ahead.

3) READ A BOOK
- enough said

4) WHAT 2014 RESOLUTIONS?
- to accomplish my 2013 goal which was unmaterialised in 2012 : Captain America's Boday!

5) FIND PASSION IN THE THINGS WE DO. LIFE IS SHORT. YOLO!

Finally,

LFC TO WIN THE PREMIER LEAGUE! then I can get myself inked!