The Uncertainties of Life

Kids,

I was shocked to find out (through a common friend) that a fellow Monashian was diagnosed with a certain kind of rare cancer. I would like to share what she wrote here ( copy and paste, no copyright infringement I guess ? =| )


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Only a handful of people were aware of this but in June 2014, I was diagnosed with cancer.


I doubt I will ever forget the day my doctor told me I had cancer. It was a day just like any other days; and life went on just as usual for other people but it was the day I felt something I have never experienced before - the fear of death followed by the fear of leaving behind the people I love.


I knew I would die some day, we all will. I just didn't expect something like that happening to me now, not when I was only 26 years old. 56 maybe, 46 possible, but 26?


I will always remember the first 3 questions I asked my doctor were, "What stage?", "Can it be treated?" and "How long more do I have to live?".


I went through all sorts of procedures and tests before the doctor was able to answer my questions above. The most painful part in the entire process was the waiting. Thankfully, I was blessed with the most amazing parents ever.


My Mom and Dad were with me through every wait. They waited with me in the hospitals. They waited for me when I was doing scans and tests. They waited on me for all my needs.


It was... one of the most difficult days of my life. I don't think there is a single word that can accurately describe the anxiety or difficulty my family and I were put through those days.


Thankfully for me, treatment was an option. I went through 2 operations, 12 weeks of chemotherapy and 3 weeks of radiotherapy.


I would be lying if I told you I didn't shed a single tear throughout the whole ordeal. I did. And not just a single tear. I cried a lot.


I cried because I was afraid. I cried in silence because I didn't want to worry my parents. I cried out loud when I couldn't hold it in anymore. I cried the first time I went to the cancer ward. No matter how many times I prepped myself, I just couldn't control tears from streaming down my face the first time I saw other patients in the chemotherapy treatment area.


Going for chemotherapy wasn't as scary as I always thought it was but it wasn't that easy either. Once a week, I went to the hospital for treatment. Those 2 hours always felt like an eternity to me. I hated how I felt right afterwards the treatment; dizzy, tired and lifeless.


It's a myth that everyone will lose their hair going through chemotherapy. It all depends on the type of drugs given to you but my drug did cause my hair to fall off. Initially, I wanted to shave off my hair before I started my treatment but my Mom didn't agree. I guess we were all secretly clinging to a fine line of miracle that perhaps my hair would be special and it wouldn't fall off.


Fall it did.


After the 2nd treatment, my hair started falling off bit by bit. My house floor, chairs and pillows were scattered with strands of hair. Every time I ran my fingers through my hair, a clump of hair fell off. I couldn't stop my heart from sinking every time that happened. So just before I started my 3rd treatment, I took a pair of scissors and chopped off my own hair.


On my 8th treatment, I had a psychological breakdown. I just couldn't bring myself to the hospital to receive my treatment. When the nurse tried to inject me with the drip, I went into a panic state and started crying uncontrollably. Me, 26 years old, crying like a baby while everyone was looking at me.


But luckily for me, my Mom was there with me, every step of the way. She held onto my hand as long as I needed. If not for her, I doubt I could ever pull through.


Only a handful of the closest friends and family were aware of this until now. I know some of you were wondering where I disappeared to. I know it was rude of me to ignore your messages.


Well... The truth is... I didn't know how to break the news. For most of you, life went on as usual in mamaks, coffee shops and cinemas but mine took a turn to hospitals, specialist centers and operating theaters.


So, you must be wondering - why break the news now since I have concealed it so well under my wig and pretense of normality behind every smile in my photos?


It's been more than a month since I have completed my treatments and until today, I'm thankful for every new day I wake up to, for every new opportunity to tell the people I love how much I love them. I'm thankful for the little sprouts of hair that is growing back on my head.


I'm sharing my story with you today because I hope you'll realize how precious life truly is.


Some days, you have it rough and you might feel like you've hit the lowest point of your life. You might think that life isn't worth living anymore. Well, don't think that ever. Never ever give up on life.


Life is never going to stop raining shit and shit happens when you least expect it. It happened to me, it can happen to YOU, it can happen to anyone we love. But no matter how tough your life gets, don't ever give up. We owe it to the people who loves us to keep on fighting.


1 year ago, I would have never imagined myself going through what I did the past few months. I thought the worst thing that could happen to me was being stuck in the office from 10am to 3am. Heck, I don't even know what will happen to me tomorrow.


Life is precious because you'll never know when it's going to end. So, don't ever trade those hours you should be spending with the people you love for corporate devotion. I'm not saying money and career isn't important. I'm just saying, it's not as important as family or honoring filial piety. If you feel unwell, get yourself checked by a specialist. It's OK to be paranoid.


Next time you see me, please, don't feel like you need to treat me like a special person. You don't and I'm not. Don't ask me about the whole ordeal either, don't ask me how I discovered it or what type of cancer it was; I try not to talk about it. I won't talk about it, unless I have to or want to. One of the worst thing that can happen to a patient is answering the same question, "How are you now" to every person that we meet.


For now, I'm just glad I can cross over 2015 and celebrate the new year with the people I love.


To My Fellowship of The Ring (and Azog the Defiler), Thank you for being there WITH me and FOR me through every single step of the way. Without my family and you guys... I might have lost it. You guys are my rock and my anchor. ‪#‎bestiesforlife‬


So... Happy New Year everyone. May we all be blessed with health and happiness in 2015 =)


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I actually read this on her fb after watching a video of her being interviewed. My heart was shattered when I watched the video. I totally felt her. I totally felt the insecurities and uncertainties that she was about to face / faced. She was talking about life and death, I was still worried if my boss is gonna screw me up the next day. Whilst she was worried if she could even wake up to see the sunlight the next day, I was contemplating if I should just skip work the next day.

From this incident, I really admire her courage and her honesty. It was raw emotions out there. She taught me that Life Is Precious. Not that I don't know it is, but maybe I'm not appreciating it enough.

I was questioning myself over my motivations in life / work. What motivates me? What motivates me to carry on? What motivates me to work better / harder? Through her, I realized all these only matter to a certain degree. Motivations change throughout the course of our lives. When we were young, our motivations to study well is to have a guaranteed platform for success. Really? Looking back, we were forced by the society to be like that. Do we have an option? No fecking way.

After 16 years of education, and then what? Find a good / stable job ? and then what? work for the next 30 years? and then what? wait for death? Is this how our life cycle is supposed to be? What's our motivation in life then? to achieve all these? to pass everything on to the next offspring to carry on the cycle? I'm not quite sure anymore with all these uncertainties of life surrounding us.

What I am very certain in regards to this story is this : We only live once, so we gotta maximize it. Everyone likes to travel. So just do it. Do it while we are young, do it while we can. whats the point of working our asses off for 30 years to go for a trip we cannot enjoy due to health / physical conditions??

I don't know about other people but I know where my Mekkah is. Just like how the Muslims' motivations are all towards Mekkah, my Mekkah is Anfield.

If I can I would love to go there at every stage of my life. I don't know if I can achieve it but at the moment, this is the closest motivation I have ever since God knows when. That's my Mekkah and the #yolo thing for me, for now.

Resolutions?

Kids,

If you ever get to read whatever I wrote, you would have a feel of what's ahead of you even before you know it. Your grandpa used to tell me things way ahead of me, the only difference is that whatever he told me are all kept in my head, whereas I am trying to document every single bits, fragments and pieces of memories/happenings/advice/especially feelings. So then when we look back, we will notice how much life has evolved, and we cannot let culture and tradition just die off with the technological advancements. Hence I'm leveraging on technology to preserve as much as I can so that someday, someone will feel me, understand me and get to know me better even when I'm gone (provided if this blogspot thingy still exist of course).

Every year end, people will be coming up with a list of their hits and misses for their current resolution for the year, and then prepare a brand new (or repeated) resolution for the following year. It's funny how people can just come up with certain unattainable resolutions and it's nice to see people making simple and yet meaningful resolutions. However one thing that doesn't make any sense to me is that why tell the whole world? I thought resolutions and wishes are meant to be private or at least made known only to people who are close/significant to us? It's hilarious to see how ambitious some people are, judging by their resolution list posted on FB. I mean, come on, you wanna open another company, you wanna have a RM500k net worth, you can just keep it to yourself. Somehow I just dont get it, do you? I hope your generation would not turn out to be like that (or probably it will with some resolution application on your super smart phone)

I dont care what resolutions people make or how they wanna inform the world about it, but as long as it is a meaningful one, it's fine.

This year is a different year for me. I will face a lot of challenges in every aspect of my life (drama a bit but its not). My only resolution for the year is to be HAPPY. And if I can choose, I would love to be HAPPIER.

My definition of HAPPY does not mean :

I wanna lead a carefree life
I wanna get rich
I wanna do whatever I want
I wanna have financial freedom
I wanna just chill

It means :

"I wanna have control over my own life". Now is the time to take control and make decisions. Time passed so fast since I passed quarter-life and I must admit that I'm still in the midst of the crisis, who isn't?

I want to have control over my debts and commitments. You can be debt-free, but we cannot runaway from commitments cuz that shows our growth and responsibilities. Right now, I'm trying hard to work to be debt-free, the latter will come eventually by stages.

I want to have control over my career because we will spend the next 30 years working. Work will actually eat up so much of your life that probably at the end of it all, you don't even realize time has gone past you and you cant turn back time. If you are not happy working, there will be unhappiness for 30 years! Unless, you can integrate life/passion/money/happiness/career all-in-one, we will struggle to differentiate our emotions, we will be numb and bitter towards life because life will eventually = career. I just want to wake up everyday and feel like it's the same DAY. No Moody Monday Blues, No FlyDay, everyday is the same. If I ever achieve that, I will write a book on my success story, LOL

All in all, I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY. My resolution for every single new year is to be HAPPIER than the previous year.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

Mahatma Gandhi

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.

Dalai Lama

LIFE

is a box of chocolate some say. We will never know what we will get until we actually unwrap it and taste it.

Here I am procrastinating, when I have an exam due soon and I'm not in the mood to study. Hello? The last time I studied for an exam was 3-4 years ago. How time flies...

I am turning 26 in a few months time, freaking 26! I'm still in my quarter life crisis to be honest. This is not a good year for many reasons esp Malaysia. People are disappearing, some got robbed, killed, chopped into pieces, hit and run, petrol price hike and soon the GST implementation.

Looking backwards I still see kids being naughty, playing with the Ipad (i dont even have one), kids maturing, kids to adolescence and adolescence to being a men/women, my youngest bro going into college and my two other brothers graduating soon. I dont know what to feel. Happy for them? Or sad for myself because these events has already passed myself and i must remind myself that i'm not 18 or 22 anymore. Sometimes I wished time could freeze at certain moments. Things just happened in a blink of an eye. A friend whom I felt like we just met yesterday became a 5 year friendship, my high school friends turned into a freaking 12 years friendship. I asked myself this question : really? 12 years of friendship? Really? So what did we accomplish in that 12 years? First 6 years of high school and then subsequently an annual reunion for the past 6 years? That's about it? That's the kinda friendship im gonna get for the rest of my life unless we initiate some #yolo stuff?

Looking forward, I see people around me getting married, some having babies. I see my older cousins who were dating (feels like yesterday) and now they are preparing for their children's primary / high school. #LIFE. I look at these people and it really hits me in the head in terms of life insecurities. So many what ifs in my head. I'm sure these people that are years ahead of me felt the same way when they were at my stage now. So insecure that I see people around me change. Either they embrace it and just bombard the obstacles as it comes, or they choose to withdraw, be themselves, not succumbed to society pressure.

At present, I'm looking at myself and the people around me. Some people are striving very hard to make ends meet, some are really striving for passion, some are striving for money, a better future. Some are making big bucks through selling/renting properties, some are selling insurance, some are doing direct sales, some are just chilling and then there's me. Neither here nor there. I'm sure there are people feeling the same way as me. I guess that's the crisis we are facing. After 3 years of working, I start to question the direction of my life for the next 5 years (short term) and the next 10 years (long term). Is this what I wanna do for the next 5 years? Am I just gonna end up exactly like you (my boss) the next 5 years?

And when we have these doubts in ourselves, our direct selling friends will be eyeing to take a step into our lives. They are brainwashed to be so positive about life, about their job and their money that they will do whatever it takes to get you to join them. I have so many friends who are in this line, and to be honest I was in and out of these, causing friendship casualties. Yes, they are very positive people (thick face - trained to withstand countless rejections), you feel like they are very nice people. In actual fact, are they really nice people? Or they come with an intention? You be the judge yourself. However I really salute their never say die attitude and their vision to achieve financial freedom and reciprocal income. I am jealous to see them earning these kind of money, I believe others will see the same and eventually will be triggered to join them because they hate their current job, not enough money, want to gain financial freedom,etc,etc. The way I look at it, its a way out for people. It's an opportunity.

Probably one of the reason why I can't succeed in this industry is because I dont see this as a way out, and it might not be my last resort yet. Another reason is I do not want to put myself and my friendships at jeopardy, I am an active person when it comes to friendships/meeting new people but when you want me to do things with an intention and knowing that I dont feel good about it, I will naturally be a very passive person. Probably I didnt get brainwashed to be thick face? Or maybe it's the nature of this business. Look at Alibaba. That's not direct selling also that poor guy got rejected in the past but look at him now. He found his opportunity, he found his way out, he found his passion (not sure bout that), but have I found mine?

What is my way out? Not direct selling, tempting, easier said than done, plus I dont have the mentality to do this kinda thing. Conventional business? How innovative am I? Need money to start something also right? Or just like the majority of other people : work for the rest of our lives?

If that is true, is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? Is this industry the one? How about money? People around me are getting money without effort (property,insurance,direct sales) but i have to wait every month just to get money and to settle my debts. How about the future? I will incur more debts : housing debts, car debts, family expenses. How am I going to go about it? I realised that money plays a very important role in determining our lives. I've seen people who changed because of money and material but I have also seen rich people who are humble. So how do I relate success to money? Do I define success to the amount of money we make?

When it comes to money and success in life, i think the best teacher that i will ever have in my life will be my mother. Whatever advice that I chose to block off in the past seems to be very true now. The advices are still the same (mothers and aunties like to nag and repeat the same things over and over), and I truly understand the meaning behind the advices. Now when I'm out to work and earning a living I am genuinely able to put myself in their shoes and then the advices made sense.

I remembered when I first got my driving license, I didn't want to drive the old car that was "assigned" to me. It was a coupe, a 2-door sports car which was bought I think more than 10 years ago for the kids to drive in the future. (That was the intention and I'm proud to say that this red car was the first car, for the 4 of us). I remembered clearly that I wasn't too happy back then when I was 18/19 and I had to drive this car when most of my friends in Taylors (yeah i've said it, Taylors) were driving better cars than me. I was upset until I got myself a new car in the year 2008 (no choice, lack of cars). However throughout that few years, this piece of advice came from my mom once but it was only until now that it made sense and it finally hit me in the head. She told me this : "A car is to take you from destination A to destination B, that's it".

Fast forward, 7 years later aka present time, I still face the same issue : my friends are driving better cars than I do. I even had a friend who told me to drive his mother's Honda during his wedding day instead of my own Proton. I dont blame him cuz its his big day and he wants everything to be perfect, plus he is not discriminating me either so I'm not affected. With the working exposure, I've also seen many things in life and I realised that people associate the cars they drive to their success. However, there's the thing : the car belongs to the bank until we pay off the loan. Hah! Impressions of success CAN be created. Look at insurance agents, direct selling ppl or property agents. They have to maintain their lifestyles of the rich and famous. They are trying to show that success can be replicated just like them. They have to show that they are doing well, they have to work hard, they have to be desperate to get sales in order to pay their car loans. Would you wanna join a person who drives an old car? You wouldnt even think about it! This is life.  It's nice to see, but I've seen it to believe it so I wont fall for it. Nevertheless, I've also seen business owners who drives a Proton Saga Generation 1, dressed only in a singlet, short pants and slippers to the Bank, depositing RM50k into their accounts everyday. Which one would you wanna be? Which one would I be?

From this incident, I agree that a car is a reflection of your success, but I'm a firm believer that a car that you OWN is a reflection of your success. Yes, I may not drive a nicer car than you, but my car is free from encumbrances and i'm not in debt. However, this is ambiguous depending on the nature of your job. Dont tell me you are the CEO of a company and your drive a Proton? That's impossible. So it really depends on the environment we are in. For now, I'm happy with what I have, I have a car that belongs to me to take me from destination A to destination B.

Based on the scenario I've also learnt another thing : Do we wanna "look" successful and rich? Or do we want to "be" successful and rich?. I shouldn't dress as if I'm rich because I'm not. Presentable will do. (Mom's advice) Anyway my wardrobe is only filled with Liverpool jerseys, ppl can only tell I'm a fan, they cant tell my success and money LOL. As much as I'm not rich and successful, I am able to deceive ppl that I am. Ppl think that I am some rich, spoilt brat BUT I'm not. I think it's probably the way I carry myself. Its just like the scenario where some ppl can pull off elegance with ordinary garments and some ppl look cheap with expensive clothes. I am not rich but I can pull it off. LOL. This is bad. I'd rather be rich on the inside (personality + pocket) than rich outside (the way I dress and the car that I drive, debt-ridden)

For now, I'm trying to be debt free and lead a life where I have ownership of things, whether it is in regards to my life or my career. Be contented. Ask yourself this question everytime you want to buy something : Do you need it? (Mom's best advice). DO I NEED THOSE LIVERPOOL JERSEYS??? Yes, but I can wait to purchase when it is on sale ;) If I were to ask myself this exact question 1 year back I would have answered differently and I would have owned all the Liverpool jerseys even before the season starts.

Sidetrack a bit : what suddenly triggered me to write this besides procrastination was a conversation between myself and one of the staff in a mamak stall. We knew each other (including my brothers) for a long time. Little did I know, he came to Malaysia from India for 10 years ago. That shows how long I've known him! FREAKIN 10 YEARS! Talking about life, he has to work in Malaysia for 1.5 to 2 years and then only he gets a 4 month break. His son is already 5 years old. He was unfortunate because he is not from a rich family, he dont even have money to study, what more being an engineer, doctor or lawyer (India's definition of a successful occupation). I feel very blessed in comparison to him, and yet I'm still complaining about #life. "Always compare yourself with the less fortunate" Another classic quote from mom. "If you compare with the rich, you will always need to keep up with the Joneses"

Suddenly I realised how my character/personality was defined. Talk about influence!

And Kids,
That is how I got these golden advices from your grandma.

Them CNY?

Hey dad,

I am so sleepy right now, so physically and mentally drained out by work but suddenly (really sudden), I thought of you while scrolling my picture albums in FB.

I looked back at those few CNYs where we still had you. I wished the picture / camera quality was way better back then, at least I wouldn't be staring at blur pics right now.

Now I know why people invest in expensive cameras : it's to preserve the best memories. The feelings, emotions and memories are worth more than the camera itself. Now I wished we had better pictures taken. Although we have alot of pictures with you and of you, the best pic / motion picture that I have of you is in my head. Even after 3 years, when I close my eyes, I can still picture the same old picture in my head. I hope it remains eternally.

I'm sorry that I am so tied up with work that I might have forgotten about you. How could I? I know you are always there with me. And as I'm writing this right now, I'm feeling the goosebumps. I know you are watching over us.

< 3

 Oh! Dee, BTW, Liverpool are close to winning the Premier League!! =D I hope we still honor our promises, at least it's your promise to me. I hope my bad skin condition can take ink. YNWA!

JTF96

Justice for the 96,
Who went for a football match and never returned.
This year marks the 25th anniversary of the Hillsborough Incident
Justice prevailed last year.
96 Angels up there,
YNWA.
We need you
We need your blessings
To ensure that
This
Is
Our
Year.
This year also marks the 25th year without being the champions.
The time has come.
4 more cup finals.

Say Something? Write Something?

Don't say something for the sake of saying. The same goes to writing. Don't write for the sake of a blog update. Write when you feel like writing, write what you feel and not write because you are obliged to do it. Writing should be free and easy like the wind, swirl where ever we want and not being put in a situation where we are forced to crack our damn brains just to produce a writing. Maybe I look at things differently because I'm writing for myself to read, but some are writing for others to read. To be fair to others I cant judge the contents / message that others are trying to convey.

Looking back at the my writings in the past, writing a blog is like writing a diary but somehow now I feel different about writing. Writing is suppose to be meaningful, like giving a life to words, and not telling the world what I ate for dinner LOL. That shows how far I have come in terms of maturity, I guess? Probably I might still have a wee bit of contradiction in me that will always be me, can't really change the nature of a person. So the next time if I ever write what I ate last night, I hope by re-reading this post it will shed some light to me that as far as I've moved forward in my life, I "can" still fall backwards.

I think I'm really contradicting myself.

You see the key word is "CAN". I can choose to or choose not to. It's a choice. It's an option.

Happy 55th Birthday!

Hey Dad,

Happy Birthday! And I foolishly thought that it is tomorrow!

I had a few fragments of images in my head the other day and I would like to write down every single bit of our memories, as specific and detailed as possible so that one day when I re-read this it will give me the same old warmth feeling that I get. Probably, your future grandchildren might learn more bout you through my writings. I only have bits and pieces of grandpa through you and ur siblings' words about him since I have not met him before. So I hope I can document / pen down as much memories as possible so that I will always remember the feeling.

I remembered how I always use the school public phone to call home to ask you to bring the books / notes / etc that I left at home!

I remembered how frustrated you were cuz its either you are going out to work or you just woke up. Despite the mumblings and grumblings, you will still meet me at the side gate of my primary school to pass it to me. High school was tougher as you had to walk into the compound during our assembly, looked for me and often calling me "Brandon" instead of my chinese name. Hey dad you gave me that name you know? Why are you even more embarrassed than your son just because his name sounds like a girl's name? LOL

I remembered you like to converse with me in hakka whenever my ex / her family was around. Even she found it funnily weird why you would converse with me in hakka. LOL. As if other ppl dont understand our language. Haha. It's alright because I'm like that too, switching the dialect whenever and however I like =)

I remembered how mom and I had to U-turn home so that you can fetch us to the lrt station to work.

I still remember the day before your tournament / incident. It was in the afternoon, I walked into your room to use the washroom, you were lying on the bed, somewhat blank staring? I did not speak to you if not mistaken, and I utterly regret that, because GOD knows that might be the last words you had for me. Right now, I can't even remember what was your last spoken words to me. =/

I still remember the day after. The image is still vivid in my mind... You were half naked, still in your favourite red golf pants, lying on the hospital bed. I remembered the feeling of hugging you. I remembered the exact feeling when I was removing your gold necklace. I remembered everything. Crystal clear.

However, on this very special day, I would like to wish you Happy Birthday! I know you are somewhere celebrating it, prolly having a toast with your buddies.

I remembered giving you a Liverpool jersey for one of your birthdays. If not mistaken it was prolly your 50th or 51st Birthday. On the back of the jersey, the name was SAM'S ? and the number was definitely No.38.

Suddenly I felt a memory-rush LOL, so many things popping up in my head...

I remembered I gave you a golf glove for one of your bdays

I remembered I bought you a golf shirt on two separate bday occasions? or was it father's day?

I remembered I bought you the sleeves for golfing. You loved it but I forgot if we went back to change the color from white to black or black to white? Those sleeves are still in your drawer. We know you like to be the Stylo Milo in golf so I bought those sleeves for you...

Speaking of golf, I'm still so noob in it. I promised to win a tournament for you someday but seems like its fading away.

Another resolution for 2014 : Must pick up golf !