The Uncertainties of Life

Kids,

I was shocked to find out (through a common friend) that a fellow Monashian was diagnosed with a certain kind of rare cancer. I would like to share what she wrote here ( copy and paste, no copyright infringement I guess ? =| )


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only a handful of people were aware of this but in June 2014, I was diagnosed with cancer.


I doubt I will ever forget the day my doctor told me I had cancer. It was a day just like any other days; and life went on just as usual for other people but it was the day I felt something I have never experienced before - the fear of death followed by the fear of leaving behind the people I love.


I knew I would die some day, we all will. I just didn't expect something like that happening to me now, not when I was only 26 years old. 56 maybe, 46 possible, but 26?


I will always remember the first 3 questions I asked my doctor were, "What stage?", "Can it be treated?" and "How long more do I have to live?".


I went through all sorts of procedures and tests before the doctor was able to answer my questions above. The most painful part in the entire process was the waiting. Thankfully, I was blessed with the most amazing parents ever.


My Mom and Dad were with me through every wait. They waited with me in the hospitals. They waited for me when I was doing scans and tests. They waited on me for all my needs.


It was... one of the most difficult days of my life. I don't think there is a single word that can accurately describe the anxiety or difficulty my family and I were put through those days.


Thankfully for me, treatment was an option. I went through 2 operations, 12 weeks of chemotherapy and 3 weeks of radiotherapy.


I would be lying if I told you I didn't shed a single tear throughout the whole ordeal. I did. And not just a single tear. I cried a lot.


I cried because I was afraid. I cried in silence because I didn't want to worry my parents. I cried out loud when I couldn't hold it in anymore. I cried the first time I went to the cancer ward. No matter how many times I prepped myself, I just couldn't control tears from streaming down my face the first time I saw other patients in the chemotherapy treatment area.


Going for chemotherapy wasn't as scary as I always thought it was but it wasn't that easy either. Once a week, I went to the hospital for treatment. Those 2 hours always felt like an eternity to me. I hated how I felt right afterwards the treatment; dizzy, tired and lifeless.


It's a myth that everyone will lose their hair going through chemotherapy. It all depends on the type of drugs given to you but my drug did cause my hair to fall off. Initially, I wanted to shave off my hair before I started my treatment but my Mom didn't agree. I guess we were all secretly clinging to a fine line of miracle that perhaps my hair would be special and it wouldn't fall off.


Fall it did.


After the 2nd treatment, my hair started falling off bit by bit. My house floor, chairs and pillows were scattered with strands of hair. Every time I ran my fingers through my hair, a clump of hair fell off. I couldn't stop my heart from sinking every time that happened. So just before I started my 3rd treatment, I took a pair of scissors and chopped off my own hair.


On my 8th treatment, I had a psychological breakdown. I just couldn't bring myself to the hospital to receive my treatment. When the nurse tried to inject me with the drip, I went into a panic state and started crying uncontrollably. Me, 26 years old, crying like a baby while everyone was looking at me.


But luckily for me, my Mom was there with me, every step of the way. She held onto my hand as long as I needed. If not for her, I doubt I could ever pull through.


Only a handful of the closest friends and family were aware of this until now. I know some of you were wondering where I disappeared to. I know it was rude of me to ignore your messages.


Well... The truth is... I didn't know how to break the news. For most of you, life went on as usual in mamaks, coffee shops and cinemas but mine took a turn to hospitals, specialist centers and operating theaters.


So, you must be wondering - why break the news now since I have concealed it so well under my wig and pretense of normality behind every smile in my photos?


It's been more than a month since I have completed my treatments and until today, I'm thankful for every new day I wake up to, for every new opportunity to tell the people I love how much I love them. I'm thankful for the little sprouts of hair that is growing back on my head.


I'm sharing my story with you today because I hope you'll realize how precious life truly is.


Some days, you have it rough and you might feel like you've hit the lowest point of your life. You might think that life isn't worth living anymore. Well, don't think that ever. Never ever give up on life.


Life is never going to stop raining shit and shit happens when you least expect it. It happened to me, it can happen to YOU, it can happen to anyone we love. But no matter how tough your life gets, don't ever give up. We owe it to the people who loves us to keep on fighting.


1 year ago, I would have never imagined myself going through what I did the past few months. I thought the worst thing that could happen to me was being stuck in the office from 10am to 3am. Heck, I don't even know what will happen to me tomorrow.


Life is precious because you'll never know when it's going to end. So, don't ever trade those hours you should be spending with the people you love for corporate devotion. I'm not saying money and career isn't important. I'm just saying, it's not as important as family or honoring filial piety. If you feel unwell, get yourself checked by a specialist. It's OK to be paranoid.


Next time you see me, please, don't feel like you need to treat me like a special person. You don't and I'm not. Don't ask me about the whole ordeal either, don't ask me how I discovered it or what type of cancer it was; I try not to talk about it. I won't talk about it, unless I have to or want to. One of the worst thing that can happen to a patient is answering the same question, "How are you now" to every person that we meet.


For now, I'm just glad I can cross over 2015 and celebrate the new year with the people I love.


To My Fellowship of The Ring (and Azog the Defiler), Thank you for being there WITH me and FOR me through every single step of the way. Without my family and you guys... I might have lost it. You guys are my rock and my anchor. ‪#‎bestiesforlife‬


So... Happy New Year everyone. May we all be blessed with health and happiness in 2015 =)


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I actually read this on her fb after watching a video of her being interviewed. My heart was shattered when I watched the video. I totally felt her. I totally felt the insecurities and uncertainties that she was about to face / faced. She was talking about life and death, I was still worried if my boss is gonna screw me up the next day. Whilst she was worried if she could even wake up to see the sunlight the next day, I was contemplating if I should just skip work the next day.

From this incident, I really admire her courage and her honesty. It was raw emotions out there. She taught me that Life Is Precious. Not that I don't know it is, but maybe I'm not appreciating it enough.

I was questioning myself over my motivations in life / work. What motivates me? What motivates me to carry on? What motivates me to work better / harder? Through her, I realized all these only matter to a certain degree. Motivations change throughout the course of our lives. When we were young, our motivations to study well is to have a guaranteed platform for success. Really? Looking back, we were forced by the society to be like that. Do we have an option? No fecking way.

After 16 years of education, and then what? Find a good / stable job ? and then what? work for the next 30 years? and then what? wait for death? Is this how our life cycle is supposed to be? What's our motivation in life then? to achieve all these? to pass everything on to the next offspring to carry on the cycle? I'm not quite sure anymore with all these uncertainties of life surrounding us.

What I am very certain in regards to this story is this : We only live once, so we gotta maximize it. Everyone likes to travel. So just do it. Do it while we are young, do it while we can. whats the point of working our asses off for 30 years to go for a trip we cannot enjoy due to health / physical conditions??

I don't know about other people but I know where my Mekkah is. Just like how the Muslims' motivations are all towards Mekkah, my Mekkah is Anfield.

If I can I would love to go there at every stage of my life. I don't know if I can achieve it but at the moment, this is the closest motivation I have ever since God knows when. That's my Mekkah and the #yolo thing for me, for now.